Rebuild.

  ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAlARcNhQ3A  )

It isn’t that I was trying to act like his girlfriend.  All I wanted was a New Year’s kiss.  I felt I had to work up to that since he looked bored.  Kind of pathetic, huh?

I hate waking up after a bad night.  It’s kind of like waking up to a nightmare.  Last night really wasn’t bad, though… Just the last twenty minutes or so.  That serious conversation during the final moments of 2012.  Ending the year badly.  Learning that we’ll never get back together.  That after working out a friends with benefits relationship and deciding to keep it innocent, he disapproved of the entire situation - why? Because I want it to be innocent and not very sexual?  I worry about that.  It looks truer the more I look at it, even though he says it’s because I have a hidden agenda.  He should have known that for months.

I’m going to tell him we shouldn’t hang out for a while.  If we do, it’s definitely not going to be at his house.  But I don’t think we should period.

I knew I shouldn’t have gone over. I just had that feeling, you know?

It’s the first hour of the first day of the year and I’m already upset.

Rewind to last Friday.. I stay over til 1 or so (when I had to be up at 6 - bad idea). Things happened. Not much, but the way he kissed me was unlike any other time he’d done it.. Passionately. Sort of loving? He held my head and played with my hair. It was different. For me, what followed felt wrong. It intensified. It made me feel guilty. So I explained that to him and said that we should keep it innocent - kissing maybe, cuddling. He agreed.

Tonight, I tried just locking my arm with his on his futon.. Leaned against him once or twice, accidentally (except for a joke). Anyway, he kept his distance. He was “tired” because we made virgin mojitos. Maybe he was.. I don’t know. But I asked if I was bothering him and he didn’t answer so I pulled away. He said to remember that I was the one who stopped it. So I said that it seemed like we had different intentions.. Mine are to not feel lonely, but that it seems like he thinks I just want to get him back, which is in the back of my mind. For him, he just wants action. He didn’t correct me. He said that that’s it - to both. I asked if his decision about not getting back together is final and he said he thinks so. He said something like not fooling around will end the confusion about what we are. So we sat for 20 minutes til midnight in semi-silence and I left quickly.

I feel horribly embarrassed.. How can I keep doing this to myself?

We can’t be friends. Ever. No matter how much time passes. One of my resolutions needs to be to wean myself away. Or cut him loose. To not care anything near as much as I do now. To just friggin move on.

Sometimes he seems like he really cares about me as a person. That’s why I don’t jet. He already had a mojito recipe ready, for instance. Thoughtful. But he toys with my heart. He may just want my body. The last six months to a year looks suspicious… I need the courage to accept failure. I’d accept a friendship if I could. But it means daily rejection. I don’t think I can take more..

He mentioned that some Laura girl tried to get with him.. Following up for details.

Is this why we stay friends? To keep tabs?

I love him in my own foolish way. Not romantically. But enough to keep me here. I don’t know how much he cares for me, so why keep me around?

Infomaniac… Jealousy. Fuck.

Of course, there is the matter of my dignity, which won’t recover if I keep giving him opportunities to walk all over me.

I miss him. We go a day without talking, and I feel like a jar being emptied out..

I was just watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, listening to Spike give his speech about how exes can’t be friends (cause no matter how much you scream or shag, you’ll never be friends because love isn’t brains, it’s blood, waiting to work its will… God I love this monologue). Of course, they stay couple-y.

But that’s TV.

I just need to live my life and treat him like I’d treat any of my other friends.

Easier said than done.

My acting teacher said she could tell I brought it (my monologue) because there’s something going on in my life to make me play an angry person realistically. The class loved it. A couple people said it was inspiring.

I texted him today and asked him if he’d fool around with someone else if given the chance. He said he hasn’t yet, but can’t definitely say he wouldn’t. All I said was, “Lovely.. So, what made you change, then?”

I doubt he’ll answer. It’ll just be “I don’t know what to tell you” or “I don’t know.”

He isn’t who he was a year ago. I think he just keeps me around, hoping to get some… Until someone better shows up, that is.

I may have talked to him about being friends with benefits, but that was a “just in case” thing, in case we hung out and it happened again. I don’t actually want to be friends with benefits. And to tell the truth, I don’t think it’s actually healthy for me to be friends with him at all.. He makes me so angry. His morals are becoming highly questionable, as is his intent. It feels dirty to say he’s my friend after everything he’s done to me.. Like a week ago, telling me he likes me and then saying he doesn’t, that holding my hand and cuddling didn’t mean anything, that when I asked if he liked me, he said yes but meant in a friendship capacity when we were making out at the time when I obviously wanted to know if he liked me romantically.

Fuck this drama… He’s playing with me like a cat toy and I just keep on acting naive. Why? Because it’s easier than accepting he’s a pig.

I mean… I want cake in my life, too. A lot. But it’ll clog my arteries. I want him in my life, but it’s unhealthy.. Sure, I may have pretty much no friends and want the connection, but the connection is not what I want it to be or think it is.. It’s toxic, fake. Trouble is, after “eating cake” all the time, I’ve created a sugar addiction and it’s gonna suck to kick it. If I told him I was thinking about removing him from my life, I don’t think he’d fight me. He did last time, but that’s probably cause he just wanted a warm body…

We stopped fighting. I just set ground rules for IF it becomes a habit. But I don’t think it will even happen, luckily. It seems like he’s taking advantage of my feelings.

Hormones are the worst.

Over the weekend, he kissed me.. I was flirty beforehand (just in a good mood, I guess; I wasn’t really flirty yesterday). He blames me for that happening (mostly). Then last night, happened again. So before things got too far or confusing, I asked him what was happening. Somehow we got onto if he’d fooled around with anyone else in the past year (he said no) and he kept messing with me.

But the main part of the conversation.. Was infuriating. He said he likes me, but thinks of me like a new car he feels is just going to break down for no reason. Yeah. Wonderful. So, he doesn’t want to date because it wouldn’t end well. He doesn’t think he can commit, but it’s something about me that he just can’t pick up on. So he’d call us friends with benefits.

… Yeah. After hearing that I told him I was leaving (it was late, and I’d planned on leaving earlier, but he kissed me). Didn’t give him a hug on the way out. Barely looked at him. I didn’t even take the cookies I was supposed to bring home to my family. So mad.

Do friends with benefits cuddle? Or loosely explain why they have feelings for each other? Or even like each other to begin with?

I’m not going to take this sitting down. Enough games. Decide what you want or I’m gone. If you choose friendship and want something later, tough shit; permanent choice. My year has been drama filled and I’m vowing to keep harmony and balance next year. So stop pretending like I’m the only one with the problem.

I said hi to him, we talked all day, and then I playfully apologized for being a bitch.. I ask if he has anything to say? NOOOOOOPE.

So I rere-explain why I got mad. He doesn’t reply to my last text until today, nearly a day later. What he says boils down to “I’m sorry the fight resulted in you being so hurt, but I don’t feel responsible.” How is this supposed to make me feel better? I was hurt because of your dismissiveness.

His whole side of the argument is just excuses. He wasn’t gonna go to Boston, just its outskirts. He didn’t ask me to leave, I just left (but I left because I suddenly felt unwelcome and he knew that).

He wasn’t going to apologize. I didn’t want to explode. So I stated how I feel about the situation and just said good night.

It’s a hopeless thing. He’s alienating me on purpose. How can he not see that he’s wrong? He could apologize for badly hiding that he wanted to go out and that it was a little dismissive to me - it wouldn’t be totally accurate, but I’d accept it.

Til he can come up with something redeeming, I’m out. I’ve put up with way too fucking much of his shit.

Maybe I am being too harsh. Afterall, he did have me over - he could have told me not to come because he wanted to hang out with Dan in Providence, which obviously is more exciting. He was still rude, but maybe I overreacted because of how stressed I am.

Usually after a fight, he’s the one who talks first. I want to be self-respecting, but I think maybe for once my dramatics are more insulting than his actions. I can’t imagine ditching a friend to go see another friend after just seeing them, but it could’ve been worse… He could’ve stayed out all day even though we had plans. I’m complaining about not being Dan’s equal, but I guess it depends on perspective. Maybe it’s just that I’ve cooled off, or maybe it’s that the pill isn’t effing with my hormones as much. Or that midterms are over…

I think I’ll forgive him, if he forgives me. I’ll just say hi and see what happens. Break the ice?

Fuck jiafwjhif…

My life is a complete mother fucking disaster at the moment.  I’m so stressed out and it’s affecting other parts of my life.

The stress began with school.  Of course.  Why else.  I have two midterms this week (from picky graders) and a 6 page essay that I don’t know how I’m going to bullshit.  I have a presentation next week, a two page paper (probably gonna skip it for sanity’s sake - we’re allowed to do it once), and an intro/outline due for another essay.  Assuming I skip my dumb American lit paper, next week won’t be SO bad. Actually, now that I’m looking at my wall calendar, I only have the presentation due next week and all the other crap (plus a five page paper) is due the next week.

Perk, apparently I DON’T suck as a writer.  A super picky British professor gave me an A on our first paper.  Based on his scoring, that’s above excellent.  He actually spent time on it, too - the amount of blue ink was terrifying, as were the low grades I accidentally saw as he was passing them out..

NOW FOR THE OTHER EXPECTED CRAP

As usual, Trevor and I are having problems.  I haven’t written about it in a while, but basically, I complained that we never hung out.  I hadn’t seen him in a month and a half, maybe more.  To me, that isn’t a friendship, that’s what Larry and I had.. A mock friendship.  So I mentioned that and on October 8th (a holiday) we hung out.  We made a buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese pizza, which was surprisingly successful.  No fighting while cooking.  He didn’t seem particularly animated that day, but I attributed it to nervousness.

Then we proceeded to hang out four times over the next 12 days - so basically, we saw each other every three days.  I saw Darcy for the first time in a month yesterday, and by accident - but we both have jobs so our plans never work out.  Anyway, the second time was a lot of fun.  We made breakfast tortillas and teased each other the whole time.  We were both like.. alive.  I gave him a quick hug on the way out before leaving.

Third time, we saw Seven Psychopaths.  Got into a fight in the car about the definition of “real science.”  In the middle of the conversation, I just stopped talking to him.  He noticed and said things like “right?” like he knew I was mad.. his voice cracked.  He doesn’t like getting the sharp end of the stick, either, I guess.

The fourth time was a disaster.  We’d planned on it for a couple days since I’m going through all this stress and am pressed for time.  He sounded like he REALLY wanted to hang out - when I asked if he still wanted me to he was like “yeah, definitely,” for example.  It was a Saturday after work.  I went to his house a bit before 4:30.  His parents ordered Soup Works (I hate when people pay for me, but it was nice of them) and we watched Drive.  When I got there, he just played Borderlands for a while while I sat there.. I took a book out and he looked a little upset.  Sorry? (not really)  We ended up watching the movie Drive.  He maybe smiled four times during the 3 and a half hours or so I was there.  Then after the movie Dan started texting him, asking if he wanted to go to Boston to go to Sonic (I didn’t see the texts, he hid them, so I’m not sure that’s true - who goes to Boston at 8:30 at night?)  I asked if he was gonna go, he said he wasn’t sure. 

So for the next half hour we just sit in his SWELTERING HOT bedroom doing nothing.  Correction, I was doing nothing.  He was on his computer, texting.. Gave me vibes he didn’t want me to be there.  Soooo I left.  And I didn’t give him a hug on the way out, which he seemed to be waiting for by keeping me talking as I walked away.  We got to talking about texting, and I made a comment about only having serious conversations through text because it’s easier to lie, and he said he did that.. So what did he lie about!?  I’ve been driven nuts over that for a year.  He knew I was mad.  When I texted him after asking if we could talk, he said “Am I going to hate this?”

And we’ve been fighting ever since, going on four days now.  Well. Two, really - he stopped responding to me on Sunday night.

I told him first that I was upset about his comment on lying through text.  He denied that he’s ever lied to me about anything serious.  HAH.  Of course he can say that through text.  I just didn’t want to talk to him in person about it cause I was pissed.  

The second thing I mentioned is how I still like him and more or less how being friends is weird for me.  It feels like something is missing.  To me, a boyfriend is just a best friend with the benefits.  He admitted he’s thought about fooling around with me, but that it would be a bad idea, and I agreed.  That wasn’t even the point, though.  The point was that we text each other ALL DAY every day, long texts, we hung out a lot in a short period… Flirted. It seemed to indicate something different.  But he doesn’t like me.  He said a girlfriend for him is better than a best friend.

I’m not better than Dan?  Wow, I’m doing a “music video” play and an aqcuaintence might bring in a bong, maaaybe I should just start smoking pot and drinking all the time, huh?  Fucking bastard.  After everything I’ve put up with with him, I’m not a better fucking friend than Dan?  Not even his equal?

The kicker about this whole thing is this:  they’d hung out JUST before I’d come over.  For a couple hours.  In Providence.  Trevor didn’t have to say it was okay for me to come over. We talked about this during our fight, and he said that it wasn’t that he wanted me to leave, it’s that he didn’t know what else to do with me and that he wanted to go to Boston.  YOU COMMUTE TO BOSTON FIVE DAYS A WEEK.  You’d just gone into another city with that same friend.  I suggested going for a walk which he turned down cause I’m “afraid of the dark” - excuse me, but what about all the times we’ve walked together in the dark?  It was 70 degrees out in October, give me a break.  You’ve got a TV, you’ve got another controller, it’s like.. are you fucking kidding me?  

Yesterday he finished our game of WordFeud and said “so close.”  I replied “good game.”  That’s all the contact we’ve had.

Something about this strikes me as a sign.  

It really hurt that he just ditched me like that, and it brought up a bunch of other emotions that I couldn’t handle not throwing out there.  It’s not an issue of self-control, though…  It’s that he validates my insecurities by making me feel unvalued, unliked, flawed.  He has to know he does this.  But I stick around. 

Hillary said something yesterday, something like I’m so smiley, then so quiet… Reminded me of the comment Trevor made about me looking like a saint, super innocent.  I hate being called quiet.  Meh.  I was on edge all day yesterday.  It occurs to me that when I’m stressed, I don’t have much to say - but I’m always stressed now.  She’s getting a D in bio and she’s kinda brushing it off.

I used to have this different way of life, you know… When I was at Northeastern.  I wanted to experience life a new way, so I ignored my studies a little and ventured around the city, went out a lot.. I was my happiest then.  After that, I dunno.. I’m down two best friends.  Trevor seems to not be able to decide what he wants, on a different level this time - or if he does know what he wants, he’s probably going to keep making me feel like crud.  So I have few options in who I can experience things with.  But I want to be able to say fuck everything, I’m going to stop being a robot and LIVE.  These grades barely matter.  I want to join clubs, go to cities, travel, experience life in a way that I can feel good about.  Those experiences are what will change me into a person I can be proud of, not a chapter from a book I don’t care about or some crappy TV show. Those experiences are just harder to find.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Probably nothing.  We just took a few steps back in the relationship, that’s for sure.  I’d be surprised if he texted me again.  The whole fight, he’d take like 3 hours to send one text, like he couldn’t care less.  Then again, maybe he will.  Maybe he enjoys knowing that he can get away with treating me this way.

Another thing is, I’m stopping the pill.  I miss my super abundance of hair.  I have no reason to be on it.  I gained 15-20 pounds on my first pill (the second one was more kind to me and let me lose weight).  I just don’t feel like these synthetic hormones are healthy anymore.  I spot a little.  All month cramps are returning.  It isn’t good for circulation, which is important to me because I have Raynauds and I’m tired of being huffy puffy all the time.  Heart attacks and strokes run in the family, so.. unless I have a steady boyfriend, no thanks.  I could actually lose hair or gain weight, though, so I need to be watchful.  I could become a super bitch if I have withdrawals.. If any of this happens, though, I’m visiting my gyno.  She’s on top of her game and will know what I should do.  

I just don’t have the capacity to deal with all this shit right now.  After this week when I have time to think, I’ll probably think more about how opening my mouth to Trevor was a bad idea (but not uncalled for on two fronts out of three).  

People tell me to be a teacher.

People tell me to get into the entertainment industry.

I don’t know what to doooooo.

One year ago tonight, I lost my virginity. It was awkward (only as expected), but I felt so comfortable with him that it felt like the right time. I never thought that a year later, things would be so different..

I confronted him today about why he never asks to hang out. Caught him with a couple cruddy excuses, some rude responses, and finally I just stopped replying. Why is he stringing me along? He actually seems upset with ME for asking.

I’m just sad. I can never hang onto anything. I have one friend.. And him, if he counts right now. It’s hard to open up to others. I’m always so stressed. I’m a social person, but I can feel myself collapsing inwards.

It’s odd what one year can change..