Rebuild.

Browsing through my posts from this summer, I complained a lot.  About Trevor… Mostly shit about how I was concerned he didn’t like me, and me brushing it off, like “ha, I’ll be fine!” and pretending I didn’t really like him that much.

I’m not really fine.  I feel like crying… We’re still talking, but it’ll be 3 weeks Tuesday since I’ve seen him.  I miss our fights over dumb shit like traffic lights.  And the way his arms feel around me… The way I can loosen up around him and the way his voice sounds.

The look he gave Ashley W. at the movie theater made me so jealous… He acted like I wasn’t even there.  That’s when I knew it was our last date.

Being friends won’t be the same.  I’ll always feel some issue present… Currently, I edit texts so that I don’t appear dumb or uncultured.  Sometimes I even resist the impulse to make him think I like him.

But for right now, I’m telling him I like him.  And asking him what is going to happen when he starts dating someone… Cause there’s no way another girl is going to tolerate him talking to me… 

I feel much emptier, yes.  And I will feel almost totally empty if we cut ties.  But realistically, I mean… it’s going to happen, probably sooner than later, I imagine… I don’t want it to…

I dropped the elementary education course.. Going to take it when my schedule focuses more on comm courses. I don’t need added stress to my life. Things already suck and I project they’ll continue to suck pretty hard, but this will soften the blows hopefully..

A lot of my stress stems from Trevor right now. I don’t know why I care when he keeps hurting me (even though I’m always here for him..), but.. There’s something about him that keeps me wanting him around and in my life. I know that keeping him around will hurt.. But I’m capable of more than I’m willing to admit. Maybe I could handle it. Maybe I really would stop liking him. Slow and steady wins..

It’s why he friendzoned me in the first place that stresses me out, and if he actually plans on keeping me in his life.

I really care for you.

I’m such a fool.

I suppose on some planet, this would be a good thing.  I’m taking 6 classes this semester… My accounting class just got cancelled, but an elementary teaching class was available, so I signed up… There are 40 hours of observation required.  That’s nothing compared to the two hour surveys I filled out for psychology last Fall… This is 3 hours a week.  Hopefully nearby, though.  I’m taking three writing/reading classes.  And an acting course.  Oddly, this schedule feels more me.  

I’m going to need a lot of distractions to get by in this life, I think.  I’m happy with myself and unbearably angry at a large part of the rest of the world.

I don’t think I’m being selfish by whining about how you don’t want to date me anymore.  It’s like… You dumped me.  Okay.  Fine.  Things don’t work out.  So we become friends… You vanish for absolutely no reason.  FOUR months later, you’re apologizing, making excuses.  And now you’re hurting me again in some major way, making similar yet very different excuses.  I don’t feel like it’ll ever stop.  You always push me to my extremes.  Aren’t you supposed to care about me?  How can you?  You ditched me through text every single time. Why do you even want to be friends with me?  Obviously not pity, because you fought me when I told you I didn’t want to talk to you..  

I want you to talk to me.  Curiosity, I guess.  To see how you plan on making up for this.  I don’t think you do plan on it, though. 

This world is cold and getting colder.  It’ll be a miracle if I can find something to hold onto to make it warm.  That’s where my workouts and plethora of distractions come in, but at the end of the day, they just leave me tired and wishing for something more.

Stay out of my dreams. You hurt me there, too.

Now that I think about it, this is the 3rd time you’ve really left me down.

1) The breakup
2) The magical disappearance after we became friends
3) This.

You’re running out of ways to hurt me. The pain is almost not even surprising. If we become friends after this, trust would never exist. I had developed it this time around, but I’m done trying. Done thinking logically. My gut feeling tells me everything, so I’m going with that from now on. I don’t want to get lost in a cycle. Even if I respond to him saying hello (if he does), it’s not going to be the same as before.. I won’t be precisely who he wanted. And it guarantees nothing. I’d just feel the situation out.

I am not expendable.

You want to be friends with affectionate, girlfriend-like me. I suppose you’ll get bored of me when you realize regular friend me isn’t what you expected.

The scale read 152.6 this morning.  While bloated from girlie issues… Meaning it should be lower.

I can’t stop crying for ten minutes to celebrate, though.

What the fuck is wrong with me that guys only 

A.) Want to fuck me?

B.) Want me to be their sidekick/one of the boys?

When we first started dating I kept a lid loosely on my personality. I didn’t belch.. I didn’t get touchy.. I didn’t call him names as a joke.  Maybe who I am just isn’t good enough.. for anyone.

He told me that he started thinking about the breakup and started to fear that it would happen again.  That it would be unavoidable and worse, from what I gather.  Then, he said, he just started to think of me as a friend.

  I feel so used and hurt.  We dated for a month and a half… Things got pretty physical (although not even half as bad as it could have been).  It’s so fucked up. He asked me to be his girlfriend 3 weeks ago.  I said no.  ONLY because I felt like I was pressuring him, and he didn’t seem that into it.

Yesterday would’ve been our one month anniversary if we’d stayed together.  I was the one who initiated the confrontation. He refused to talk to me on the phone about it.

When we talked about being a couple 3 weeks ago, we also talked about what would happen if us dating didn’t work out.  We said that we’d be friends, but in the least sense of the word. Probably, we’d say hi only when we saw each other. 

But when we talked yesterday, he more or less said he wanted to be friends.  Like best buddies friends.  He actually said that in a perfect world, things would stay the same, minus physicality.  So.. What?  We would text every day, go out to see movies, go for late night walks and make dinner together? I’d be like his girlfriend, just not physically… and I would probably like him.  It would be torture.

But at the same time, it wouldn’t be.  We were friends (or getting there) for two and a half months before we started dating.  Things were fine. I was happy being friends with him, actually.  I slowly got to like him, though. And I think that would probably happen again. And I wouldn’t want to watch as he dated other girls.  As he gave other Ashley Woodses out there googly eyes like he did when we went to the movies… 

He didn’t expect that I’d tell him we couldn’t be friends. Not that I was thinking clearly, which I also told him.  He said he didn’t think I was so “invested.”  But he genuinely seemed like he wanted to be friends. Or use me for rides… who the fuck knows. 

I told him that the progress we’ve made since the fallout has taken steps backwards. That I wouldn’t put any effort in being friends, at least for a while, mostly out of fear of another backfire.  So he should say hi in  a week or so if he still wants to, and we’ll see where it goes.  Then HE said he wants to leave it up to me, so I should say hey when I’m ready.

That’s when I exploded. =\ I told him I’m sad, pissed, and will need about a week alone.  That I’m tired of always being the one to try in relationships, of always being the one who cares more.  That for the next week, 90% of what I’m going to do includes working out until the only pain I can focus on is in-body. Then I’ll come to my senses, miss him, then remember he COULDN’T EVEN CALL ME. So I won’t be the first to say hi, even though I’ll want to.  So if he misses me even a little, he’ll be the one to say hello.  I just need a week or so to blow off steam.

He said he’s sorry it turned out this way, he never thinks these things out. I laughed and said apparently not… And good luck at school if I don’t hear from him.  

Him: “Same to you.  Hope it works out”

Me: “We’ll see.”

What does that mean?  At the end of the conversation, it sort of sounds like he’s given up on the idea of being friends.  Like this is his goodbye or something. But then, ‘hope it works out’ could also refer to us being friends. Which I guess I want.  And don’t want. The only way to know would be to try it out. 

Right now I just feel like vomitting, though… Didn’t eat last night.  My parents had the nerve to go to J’s Deli (the place Trevor showed me). I dreamt someone tried to kill me, Daniel Tosh prevented it, and then I ended up getting swallowed by a tsunami, anyway. That’s the third time in a week I’ve dream-died from a tsunami.  I’m losing control.

Literally, the only friend I have is Darcy. 

I don’t think he’s going to talk to me again..

He’s texting me less.. Less smiley. Less cuddly.. He’s beginning to forget me, replaced by his games. I don’t know what I can do..

Speaking of games, finished the Hunger Games series.. Heart-breaking. =\ but so beautiful.

It inspires me to write again.

I think the rest of this year will be rough.. Possibly very lonely. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of need for distraction.