I was supposed to make plans with Brian today. Had to cancel that too. MEH. Summer school is sucking the life out of me.
To be fair, I sort of didn’t want to? I had this dream where I was on a date with him, but with all his girl friends, and we were all out all night on some kind of rail car (the one you pump to move), and he like.. did a drug deal in the middle of the night, and I woke up with a hickey not remembering how it happened, and yeah.. It was weird.
I’m generally terrified of change. Where I am now is safe. Sad, but secure. Hanging out with Brian for the first time means I’m moving forward AND stepping over obstacles. Hanging out with Trevor means I’m doing the same, only the obstacles are a bit bigger and I might actually be moving backwards.
I don’t know if I like Trevor. A part of me always will. But I would never make a move on him without him doing so first. I don’t trust him. We make fun of each other a lot - but it’s still semi-serious. We still irritate the fuck out of each other while enjoying talking to each other. Nobody’s perfect, but I still catch that sense that I’m expected to be.
I can never be rude, I can never act like a tomboy.
I threw spears in high school… I’m not a perfect little lady.
And my ex isn’t the only one who needs to accept this - EVERYONE needs to.
My boss gave me 47 hours this week. My coworkers hate me for that…. I have finals this week, so I called him up and got a reduction. My mom SCREAMED at me about how I shouldn’t have done that, what I should have said/not said, etc.
I can’t wait to move to an apartment of my own…